THe FReCKLeD FINGeR

Watched a few hours worth of these 'Locked Up' shows on National Geographic or Discovery or some channel.  How the hell am I supposed to compete with these fuckin' bison they have locked up in these places?  I mean, I am just like every other red-blooded, red-headed American male in that I may, one day, commit a crime that will land me behind bars... I am certainly capable of it, at the very least.

Through the vast child-like imagination I still have, I tried to place myself inside one of these prisons, trying to survive my every day and my vision seems to always end with the same thing: blowjob.

Now we've been over this before, I'm a straight guy so I'm not saying 'blowjob' in a homosexual way but more in that 'this is the only recourse I have to live' way.  I'd have to blow people morning, noon and night.  It sucks (PUN IS REALLY FUCKING INTENDED!).  I could maybe hold my own for 9 minutes or so, but these men are goddamn mooses... Mooses? Meese? Moose? Whatever, they're e-fucking-normous. 

I would have to become someone's bitch.  Which, in laymen's terms, means A.) I would be selected by a certain group, whether it be the Blacks, Mexicans or Aryans and B.) promptly have my teeth knocked out so I couldn't bite the penis of the lucky male who chooses me as their bitch even if I was feeling a little spicy that day.

I know what you guys are all thinking, but I'm way ahead of you.  If I ran to the guards for help, they make you blow them too.

Every outcome of me being in prison is blowing men.