THe FReCKLeD FINGeR

    This one isn't so much of a rant, as just another awkward moment in the joke that is life... I have begun to realize that my life is one giant awkward moment.  Real funny, Jesus.  Last fall, I had my 5-Year High School Reunion.  The only reason for these 'events' is to try and impress former classmates with how successful you are, or skinny you are or how you are actually not a gay man, but rather engaged to a female human.

    Considering I really did not keep in touch with too many people from high school (their choice, not mine), I decided to come up with a quirky, maybe even adorable, little opening line to say to the girls I once knew.  I brainstormed the idea for a whole night and when I discovered the perfect line, I rehearsed it until my hair was even redder:

"Hey, I hear you are a dancer now...?" 

    I felt this was a good ice-breaker and there is even a good chance I could get this guess right, they do actually dance... but just to pay for college of course.  Well, obviously, it back fires with the the FIRST girl I use it on:

Me:  Hey!  Wow!  You look great, how the hell are ya?

Girl:  I am doing real good, yea.  Look at you.  You look good... ?

Me:  Yea, thanks.  I lift weights... a lot.  And I don't even use a spotter, either.

Girl:  That's great.  So what are you up to these days?

Me:  (In a scurry to think of something cool I may do instead of the actual truth)  Well I am unemployed and live at home  with my parents... 

Girl:  Oh.

Me:  Yea, well it is only temporary, ya know.  So how bout' you?  I hear you are a dancer now?

Girl:  Haha, what??  Where the hell did you hear that?

Me:  I watch you a lot, and go through your trash...

Girl:  Well, that is a tad creepy Pat.  Anyway, no, I am actually a teacher now.

Me:  Really?  I could have sworn you stripped now or something?  So what grade do you teach?

Girl:  I teach Special Education.

Me:  Oh wow!  Well that is kind of the same thing... you still work with drooling idiots!

Girl:  Um...

Girl:  I need to get another drink.  Great to see you. 

I actually didn't meant to say that aloud... it sounded a lot better in my head.