THe FReCKLeD FINGeR

    It is almost April... Which means two things:  1.)  The month when family and friends actually make an effort to talk to me for one day as I celebrate yet another year closer to death and B.) Baseball is starting again.  But more importantly, baseball is starting.

    My brother asked me for a favor tonight - not a small favor like donate sperm because he is physically unable - no, a giant one... do his fantasy baseball draft for him.  What?  C'mon.  I was an art major and my favorite sport is wheelchair basketball.  What do I know about baseball?  Pick the Hispanic guy, right?  I figured that strategy would leave me with a pretty solid, yet illegal, team to bring back to him. 

    The whole idea of this draft thing is so new and awkward to me, like hot yoga... things are going great until you are profusely sweating, having trouble breathing, then you hyperventilate, and in your pursuit for the door, you cant get a good grip on the door knob because of all the sweat, then the wheezing starts due to the struggle...  it's ugly.  You sit on this website with a list of players and all kinds of things going on.  It is kind of overwhelming.   I am sweating now just thinking about it.

    I should have known they would be the yuppy, 'cubi-cool' kind of group.  I am sure everyone knows the type...  the guys at happy hour, tie loosened, talking about bonds, stocks, stocks and bonds, bound with stockings, etc.  You can usually hear them all say the same things:

 'Oh f*ck yea!.  Dude, I make sooo much money.  Zimas are on me tonight, boys! 

'Bro, I don't even know why they have him in centerfield... I am the shit at softball.  Dude, I played varsity.'

'Bro-Dudes, I have so much sex with woman... not only do I use an Excel sheet at work, I use one for all of the women I have sex with.'

'Guy, the doctor thinks it all of the stress from work... but he said that about 4% of dudes my age have erectile dysfunction.'

'Yo bro... I think about killing myself.  No f*cking joke, bro.'

    Obviously, the draft did not go well for me.  These guys wait 9 months for this, like it was their newborn kid... but only they won't neglect and beat their fantasy team right into special schooling and weekend counseling.

'