THe FReCKLeD FINGeR

'Let's see who should deal with the bullshit of a lost phone?  Wait, let's have PK do it... he doesn't have anything going on today or any days for that matter.  He has time for crap like this, I am sure he can put down his crayons and handle this...'

     So I am the middle man between two parties.  Party A is trying to mail back a phone to Party B, who left it at Party A's apartment last week.  Party A and Party B do not know each other all that well, so it is up to me, Part E, to handle this. 

Back Story:  Party A gave the  wrong address, so the package is now at a FedEx in the Bronx.  Now I must call up and give the correct address so they can mail it to her.

And with no further adu, the  actual conversation that was conducted between the FedEx operator and myself...

 Operator:  Hello, FedEx Shipment, this is Marcy speaking.  How may I help you?

Me:  Hello Marcy.  How are you doing today?

Operator:  Fine sir.  What can I do for you today?

Me:  Well, I am tracking a package and apparently, it had an incorrect address on it and now has landed at your shipment center.  I have the tracking number if that is necessary.

Operator:  OK, now are you the sender or the recipient? 

Me:  Well, I am neither.  I am kind of the middle man... but I know all of the information necessary, the correct address and what not.

Operator:  Oh, well I am sorry sir, but only either the sender or the recipient can change an address on a package. 

Me:  Well they are both blood... I am the only one able to handle this issue right now.  I really can't just say an address?

Operator:  Sir, I am sorry, but unfortunately not.

Me:  OK OK Marcy...  Can we just start over?  Alright.  Hi, I sent a package and it was the wrong address, so now, as the sender, I would like to change that address to the correct one.  Thank you Marcy.

Operator:  Sir, you already told me you were neither the sender nor the recipient. 

Me:  No I didn't.  I sent the damn thing and it is just sitting in a box in the Bronx.  It is going to spoil and it needs to get where it has to go ASAP.

Operator:  Sir, there is nothing I can do.  It is policy.

Me:  How... Is this policy in stone?  Can't you pretend that I never said anything?  Play ball here.

Operator:  No sir, I cannot.

Me:  The package is the recipient's g*ddamn phone, therefore she is unable to call and change the address...  and the sender... well, I don't know, but he can't for some reason.  I am just going to say the new address... just start writing. 

Operator:  Sir...

Me:  Marcy.  It is a very important phone.  Haven't you ever lost a ph...

Operator:  Is there anything else I can help you with today sir?

Me:  Well you haven't helped me with problem #1, so there is no 'else'... Help me with this one first then we can move on to my other problems, like your damn stubbornness.

Operator:  Excuse me, sir?  You have no right to...

Me:  No, you have no right... No right address, and I do have the right... the right address.  So now listen to the things that come through this receiver and just scribble them on the package.  It is one f*ckin' number.  Marcy, don't be this operator.  No one else is listening.  Help me.

Operator:  Thank you for calling FedEx Shipping Center...

Me:  Marcy...!  Don't do it.  436 East 75th Stre...

Operator:  Have a nice day, sir.

Me:  Marcy, do not hang this phone up.  I will come to Bronx one day and...

(Click )